Question: To what extent is obeying the parents obligatory?
Answered by: Dr. Yasir Qadhi
Answer:
In the Name of Allāh ﷻ, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate. All praise is due to Allāh ﷻ, and may peace and blessings be upon His Messenger Muḥammad ﷺ.
Allāh ﷻ says, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: uff (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words.” (Sūrah al-Isrā’, Āyah 23)
The importance of good treatment to parents in Islam cannot be overstated. However, it is important to note the rights of the children and to understand exactly what is obligatory for them. Although Allāh ﷻ obligates Iḥsān (excellent treatment) to parents, He ﷻ never obligates unconditional obedience. Rather, depending on the situation, obeying one’s parents can be obligatory, or encouraged, or permissible, or even prohibited in some cases.1
Obviously, a young child has no choice but to obey his or her parents; but once adulthood is reached and one is fully independent, obeying parents is obligatory when three conditions are fulfilled2:
- The act being commanded does not violate the law of Allāh ﷻ. Hence, all sinful commands, such as worshipping false gods, would be prohibited.
- The act being commanded is of real, tangible benefit to them specifically. This excludes all commands that do not directly benefit them, such as an unreasonable choice of which career the child should pursue if that choice has no relevance to the parents.3
- The act being commanded does not cause unreasonable difficulty and harm to the child. This excludes all commands that cause more difficulty to the child than can be justified with the amount of benefit to the parents; for example, the demand that the child’s spouse be divorced merely because the parents do not get along with this spouse.
Undoubtedly, some aspects would be ambiguous. For example, if the parent has a request regarding where a child should live, and they desire for some proximity in order to serve them in their time of need, that is a request that would have to factor many aspects into it, such as: How many other siblings can share in this help? How much of a burden would it be for a child to live in that vicinity? What is the situation of the parents themselves and how much do they need the support of this son or daughter? And there would be many other factors as well.
In all cases, one must be respectful to one’s parents and use kind words even when turning down a request of theirs. Disagreeing with parents or choosing not to follow their advice should be done gently and respectfully. Additionally, even in cases where obeying the parents isn’t obligated, it can be recommended and rewarded for him to obey them if it does not harm anyone, because that is a form of love and respect.
As stated above, these are only generic guidelines. Many times, the exact line where obedience is required and where it is not required is impossible to pinpoint. Interpersonal situations are always complicated and require consideration of multiple factors. There can be gray areas which need personal judgement. Overall, one should strive to please one’s parents to the greatest extent possible, without causing undue harm to one’s own self or to one’s spouse and children.
And Allāh ﷻ knows best.
Disclaimer: This fatwa is the personal opinion of the author and does not necessarily represent the opinion of every member of the Fiqh Council.
- Ibn Daqīq notes an Ijmāʿ that you don’t always have to obey parents. See Iḥkām al-Aḥkām 2/275. https://app.turath.io/book/1665?page=599 ↩︎
- Shaykhul Islām Ibn Taymiyyah mentions these conditions in Manāsik al-Hajj p. 163. https://app.turath.io/book/147665?page=158 ↩︎
- Ibn Ḥajar mentions, “The meaning of [ʿuqūq i.e. disobedience to parents] is for the child to do something or say something that harms his parent.” See Fatḥ al-Bārī 10/406. https://app.turath.io/book/1673?page=6041 ↩︎